It's In The Bag

The Mesdames' recent forays to a Tinseltown charity bash and countless Holiday parties have brought them to this: an immediate handbag intervention. While stylists ensure that stars are appropriately dressed for festive occasions, the Mesdames are here for everyone else. They are here because they care. They can't stand to see you hurt yourselves any more. Dahlings - please STOP carrying day bags in the evening!

If Madame Shock had a penny for every time she has seen a beautifully dressed woman out on the town schlepping a huge, leather, daytime handbag she would have a house with a much better view in St. Tropez. It pains her even more than Uggs with Everything.

Many women seem to assume that if the logo is large and expensive enough, the bag can be taken anywhere. No. Non. Nyet. Nein. Even if your alligator Birkin is so large and expensive it can fit your hair stylist and your accountant...the answer is still no. This is simply one (of the many) time(s) when an expensive label truly won't save you: large brown leather Louis Vuitton satchels will never go with evening dresses.

Madame Shock actually finds this one of the most perplexing issues since Eve risked it all for an apple (Tiramisu, maybe. Creme brulee, certainly. But an apple?! Mon Dieu!). What woman in her right mind does not want to buy more purses? Especially dainty, beaded, sparkly, amusing ones?

Evening purses do not even need to be expensive - costume jewelry and evening purses are surely the arenas in which imagination and style can push you into the Best-Dressed list for under $50. And like costume jewelry, a dainty, delightful clutch or minaudiere can be stashed in your large, practical, leather day bag to whip out like Superman's costume in a phone booth and transform yourself into something extraordinary.

The key here (as with everything) is creativity and presentation. Below is merely a hint at the wealth of possibilities:

• A woman of Madame's acquaintance got lots of Society-Page coverage while carrying a McDonalds Happy Meal box she had enhanced with color-coordinated craft-store crystals.
• If that's a little too calculated for your taste (and Madame Chic agrees), vintage and low-priced-basics stores have sassy clutches by the dozen.
• Antique stores have vintage lunch boxes, purses, cigar boxes, and even authentic Victorian high-heeled shoes (to be carried by the laces, of course).
• Madame Shock still swoons over a very magnetic woman at a nightclub in London recently who carried a child's rubber rain boot shaped like a ladybug (with convenient handle-shaped straps) that so cheekily complimented a sinuous red Versace dress...
• Art stores have all manner of little boxes and bags that can be customized to your liking (Madame found a grand stash of $3 brightly-colored, satin-covered, take-out boxes a few years ago that made divine evening bags).
• Two words: hardware store. Vraiment? Oui. Many hardware stores have absolutely charming, miniature "trash cans" complete with lids and handles - perfect for painting, embellishing, bedazzling, or simply carrying au naturel. (This is one of the very few occasions when the Mesdames endorse the Bedazzler...)
• Every mid-range store - from Ann Taylor to Banana Republic to JCrew to Topshop - has gazillions of festive bags during the holiday season.
• The classic route (favored by Madame Chic, bien sur), is to go to a top-rate store and, if you can afford Neiman Marcus for every accessory, they can encase your evening necessities in an array of amazing, blingy options.
• If you want a true original but can't be bothered to do it yourself, you are already acquainted with the amazing artists on Etsy. If not...how have you survived?
• In a financial pinch, girls with moxie can simply carry a gorgeous little gift bag (cute ones can be had at the Dollar Tree for a Washington). Not only have you spent less than a diet soda, but you've made everyone wonder if they just weren't cool enough to be invited to the swag suite.

There are at least as many evening-purse ideas as there are sleazy men in Wall Street bars. With fancy purses you can do no wrong as long as they're: small, bright, and memorable (you might apply different metrics to the men...).
So all together now: "We resolve in the New Year to carry appropriately festive purses when the occasion demands it." If Madame sees a single oversized hobo bag with a cocktail dress when the ball drops, she will personally turn it into a garrote.
Now please excuse her. She must go dig an aspirin out of her Judith Leiber Buddha minaudiere.

Bash Aftermath - Celebrity Gossip

Madame Shock has returned home from her Hollywood mingle with many sharp-eyed (and perhaps sharp-tongued) observations. First, she will unload her celebrity gossip, since even Madame is not entirely immune to the thrill of tinseltown closeups.

The Good:

Jennifer Morrison & Eva Longoria Parker have ungodly amounts of shiny, beautiful hair - simply stunning. And nearly every starlet had gorgeous skin - is it the makeup, the botox, the air? Whatever it is, Madame wants some!

The Bad:

Much to Madame's surprise, the usually chic Anne Hathaway wore a dreary, dumpy dress and seemed very slumpish in general (but does have the MOST incredible skin). Perhaps the bad posture comes from being beautifully statuesque in an industry populated with Napoleon-sized leading men?

And the lovely Ali Larter desperately needed a bra under a very beautiful dress (stylists do have mirrors, yes?) while Amy Smart appeared to need full-body Spanx under a very frumpy dress.

The Indifferent:

Being interested in Hollywood personalities primarily for their fabulous access to (and parading of) fashion, the Mesdames Chic & Shock were a bit out-of-the-loop on the stars with Y chromosomes, as they present less fascinating sartorial statements. They were told that Steven Moyer, Joshua Jackson, and Amaury Someone were there, but really - the Mesdames can only say that there were a lot of men there, some well-dressed, some less so. And many were sporting scruffy facial hair without the good looks to carry it off.

The Personal & Pointed:

Madame was very glad that she did not add a temporary long underskirt to her vintage green silk-satin dress (see: Bash Aftermath, Part I), as nearly everyone was in short dresses (and some not even that dressy, alas). As always at these events, the "real" people were more dressed up than the stars...but badly so (more on that later). Unfortunately there is no photographic evidence of the latter, since cameras for "real" people are mostly forbidden (in order to protect the stars' privacy, bien sur) and only prominent names are allowed to walk the red carpet for official photos. But never fear! Madame Shock has a photographic memory for terrible clothing choices, and will discuss them at length later.

(Photo above from Popsugar, where more photos and a short write-up on the Friends Without A Border gala can be found.)

The Bash Aftermath, Part I

Madame is staggering around in her satin slippers, a tad bit dehydrated and overwhelmed from the efforts of recent days getting ready for the Hollywood-heavy FWAB gala. She promises to dish gossip, celebrities, photo ops, dresses, accessories, and more very shortly, but she must first recover from such overexcitement.

She will, however, leave her dear fellow glam girls with a few photos of her chosen dress and jewelry (she always finds it best to try the entire ensemble on her mannequin for photo-conferences with Mesdames Chic & Chausseurs, since taking photos of yourself in the mirror is so difficult).

The Best Dress in Hollywood

Madame Shock is wading deeply into her vintage storage closets, seeking the perfect outfit for tomorrow's star-studded Friends Without A Border Benefit Gala (did Madame nearly just write "Friends Without Benefits?" Did someone switch her WWD for FHM?)

It must be an outfit, of course - coordinated coat, dress, shoes, jewelry, purse. But while vintage cocktail dresses are quite easily found, truly formal, long vintage dresses and coats are rather rare (even in Madame's capacious closets).

What, exactly, does Madame seek? Something utterly original, creative, and memorable from entrance to exit, of course. With all due respect to the soiree's Golden Age dress code, she really wants an outfit like that most dramatic, most outrageously sexy woman in Breakfast At Tiffany's. No, not the angel-goddess-patron-saint of all things chic & elegant. The other one - the one that was amusingly and superficially talented.

Now that woman knew how to make an entrance and exit. Or at least we can assume her clothes did.

Madame Shock Goes Hollywood

Madame does so hate to drop names, but in the interests of a truly fantastic charity she will take a deep breath and charge into the fray. On Thursday Friends Without a Border is throwing a swank soiree - their First Annual Los Angeles Gala, benefiting the Angkor (Cambodia) Hospital for Children - hosted by Kate Hudson, Molly Sims, Jennifer Morrison, Eva Longoria Parker, Ali Larter, Anne Hathaway, Rebecca Gayheart, Eric Dane and dozens of other Hollywood luminaries.

The Mesdames Chic, Shock & Chausseurs are proud supporters of FWAB and since the suggested attire requires "Glam, Reminiscent of Hollywood's Golden Age" it is basically a requirement that they attend, oui? (Whew. Discussing attire always restores Madame Shock's equilibrium after the sordid task of trading in famous personalities.)

So - what to wear?! Effortlessly pulling off Glam worthy of Hollywood's Golden Age is a challenge even for seasoned starlets, bien sur, but les Mesdames rise eagerly to the task. (Gentle note to The A List, however: perhaps next year invitations could arrive more than a week before the party?) Thankfully Madame Shock has a closet full of lovely vintage dresses inherited from her dear Grandma Marie, whose own father was a Paramount Pictures executive during the Golden Age.

Stay tuned - Sign up as a Follower! - for a grand trip through the sartorial possibilities for Gala Gowning...

A Quiet Ride

It pains Madame Shock that she even needs to say this, but here it goes: No one needs to know all your inner thoughts by reading your car. If the people around you do not know how to deal constructively with traffic-induced boredom, it is not your responsibility to provide them with a reading list.

Madame, for one, does not want to know that when it gets hot you go topless, or that nurses do it better with needles, or that you are not spoiled you are just well taken care of. She doesn't even want to know that Daddy bought it & you got it, that your progeny is on the honor roll, or that you are looking for a florist to send two Bushes to Iraq. No one has changed their political beliefs or religion by reading a sticker (although Madame has several times nearly lost hers ...).

Whatever happened to mystery? Imagine Jackie O getting into a car festooned with slogans, political opinions, witty bon mots, and facsimiles of testicles hanging from the hitch (yes, we have seen such...). Do you think Princess Grace's automobile declared her the proud mama of a circus performer, or that blondes do it better? Did Audrey Hepburn string little white stick figures or - quelle horreur! - flip flops across her back window to indicate how many children, husbands, lovers, ex-lovers, dogs, cats, and assorted pets she had accumulated?

Basta, my beauties! Madame will allow you one discreet affiliation with either your school or your company. Although she would certainly prefer you display nothing, a simple alumni decal or company name on your license-plate holder will not cause her to roll maliciously into your bumper. Even she is reasonable enough to admit that if you are a sales rep, it would be silliness not to capitalize on prime advertising real estate and a trapped audience by announcing your affiliation...discreetly. But please - save us all from the knowledge that you envy Barbie because that bitch has everything.

Remember Coco Chanel's own witty quote: Elegance is Refusal. But don't even think about putting that on a bumper sticker.

Louboutin Love For Less, Part Deux

There have been several questions about the entry on shoe dyeing, so Madame thought she would explain further and share a spectacular failure of her own (yes, do record the date).

Shoes need to be suede or satin in order to take the dye well and evenly. Velvet may or may not turn out well, depending on the fiber content (ask your Shoe Guy, bien sur). The lighter the color originally, the better the results will be (and the more color options you have). Technically, one could also dye cotton or hemp shoes, too, if you are, say, a devotee of Stella McCartney's line.

And Madame's failure? In the endless pursuit of exact elegance she decided her favorite gold-and-silver Miu Miu sandals were just a little bit Fredericks of Hollywood in light silver, but would be perfectly Ritz in a lovely gunmetal-with-sheen color.

Long-suffering Shoe Guy did his very best (as always), but leather simply does not take well to forced change (a temperment Madame Shock understands very well, actually). With the first step every crinkle and point of ease immediately shed its dark outer layer, and now Madame's dear shoes look, well (she can handle a moment of truth now and then)...they look kind of trashy. Alors!

Let Madame's heartbreak save you and your dear Shoe Guy from worse.