The Shirt Off Your Back

Any girl with a colorful modern life has usually accumulated a vast cache of meaningful T-shirts. They are the never-returned T tossed on over the previous night's cocktail dress for an early morning walk-of-shame.  Or the official-issue work uniform for a now defunct hot-spot that proves you really were at the center of the universe for your 15 minutes of fame. Or that authentic vintage concert T stolen from an older one-night-stand who really "was there." (Or, if you are Madame Shock, it is all of the above and more.)

But one must admit that a stylish woman just can't wear T-shirts any more. Of course, of course, those tired magazine editorials will always advise you to spruce one up with boyfriend jeans, a belted grandpa cardigan, or a little boy's blazer from Brooks Brothers.  But no one is impressed, and certainly not if you are past the drinking age. It's still an ill-fitting T-shirt (mostly from the time before girl-fit Ts), with graphics and print that are distracting and out of proportion to your outfit. Even Kate Moss can barely pull it off.

Uncommon Goods Memory Quilt

What do mere mortals of creative chic do? We can certainly send them off for the traditional quilt-making endeavor. Uncommon Goods has a "Memory Quilt Kit" that is just lovely because you can choose one of two options: they'll send you a kit and all materials (except your Ts) OR you can just hand your Ts over to them and they'll do it.

Mais...in the beach house or mountain cabin a charming memory-T quilt can be quite delightful. But we expect a bit more oomph, a bit more...original chic...out of our possessions, non?

Angela Johnson Corset Cocktail Dress

Pssst. Come very close. Madame Chic is going to whisper. Gather up all those T-shirts and send them post-haste to Angela Johnson. She will whip you up the most scrumptious corset, Betty-Page-worthy 40s ruffle halter dress, or rollicking 50s ball gown...all with your own recycled T-shirts. (If you don't have your own, she can provide them and can even work with some theme/color requests.) Where most eco-recycling designers still seem to fall into the distressingly hippie realm, Angela has brilliantly worked her unstructured, preworn fabrics into super-structured, sexy shapes and silhouettes with rigid histories. Its a genius move, and incredibly well-tailored. (She has outfitted actresses for the Emmys and NY Fashion Week and Mad Men premieres, for goodness sake!)



Angela Johnson Ball Gown



Jag & Nevie Scarf



Never been to St. Barts or the polo match on ice at St. Moritz?  Oh dahling, not to worry, we'll never tell! We are here to provide you with a glamorous history, imaginary or real.  Run - run! - quickly to Jag & Nevie  and scoop up one of her fabulous shawls or scarves, reversible halter tops or flirty skirts.  They are all made from über-glam recycled t-shirts with various themes (as expected, Madame Chic adores the travel ones while Madame Shock favors the alcohol- and concert-themed selections).

Jag & Nevie Cape

Toddle off, now, schatzi - Madame Shock is too busy sorting through her memories. The "Club 55" T-shirt from St. Tropez? Yes. The fake Chanel T stolen from a high-school lover's mother for a walk-of-shame down 5th Avenue? Oui. The T declaring her a Teen Magazine Model Search winner? Ja. The secret-night-club staff t-shirt where she never made money but met all the models & movie stars? Oui. The t-shirt from her first concert - Sheena Easton's "Sugar Walls?" Oh yes! Dahlings, those were the days...

A Quiet Ride

It pains Madame Shock that she even needs to say this, but here it goes: No one needs to know all your inner thoughts by reading your car. If the people around you do not know how to deal constructively with traffic-induced boredom, it is not your responsibility to provide them with a reading list.

Madame, for one, does not want to know that when it gets hot you go topless, or that nurses do it better with needles, or that you are not spoiled you are just well taken care of. She doesn't even want to know that Daddy bought it & you got it, that your progeny is on the honor roll, or that you are looking for a florist to send two Bushes to Iraq. No one has changed their political beliefs or religion by reading a sticker (although Madame has several times nearly lost hers ...).

Whatever happened to mystery? Imagine Jackie O getting into a car festooned with slogans, political opinions, witty bon mots, and facsimiles of testicles hanging from the hitch (yes, we have seen such...). Do you think Princess Grace's automobile declared her the proud mama of a circus performer, or that blondes do it better? Did Audrey Hepburn string little white stick figures or - quelle horreur! - flip flops across her back window to indicate how many children, husbands, lovers, ex-lovers, dogs, cats, and assorted pets she had accumulated?

Basta, my beauties! Madame will allow you one discreet affiliation with either your school or your company. Although she would certainly prefer you display nothing, a simple alumni decal or company name on your license-plate holder will not cause her to roll maliciously into your bumper. Even she is reasonable enough to admit that if you are a sales rep, it would be silliness not to capitalize on prime advertising real estate and a trapped audience by announcing your affiliation...discreetly. But please - save us all from the knowledge that you envy Barbie because that bitch has everything.

Remember Coco Chanel's own witty quote: Elegance is Refusal. But don't even think about putting that on a bumper sticker.

Lemme Have Labels

For the die-hard label lovers amongst us (pot - you're black!) - what to do when we either (1) can't afford the screaming-label item or (2) think its a little like shooting fish in a barrel?

Well here's a little treasure hunt for you: track down an authentic "uniform" from a high-end boutique. We're talking Chanel, Yves Saint Laurent, Louis Vuitton, Gucci, etc.

Forget about wait lists - these things are much more exclusive! Do the math: many hundreds of "wait listed" items are sold per store, but only a few dozen (at most) uniforms are distributed to employees.

And in case your idea of a uniform is garishly-colored, double-knit polyester with a large "Name Patch Disk" on the breast, you need to revise.

Madame Shock recently happened upon a stock of deliciously fitted, elegantly tailored, little black wool blazers with satin center plackets and bold gold zippers at front and cuffs. Alors! Wouldn't you know it, the LV zipper toggles (and dismembered labels) declared themselves to be unmistakably Louis Vuitton?

Of course Madame can't reveal the name of the ex-employee who coughed up the cache (so to speak) but you can find similar on eBay. They're uniformly stellar (forgive the obvious pun)!

Think about it, bien sur: what designer worth his or her Moroccan vacation home is going to dress the showroom's vendeuse(s) in anything less than the best? ... Exactly.

So while your friends are all trotting around with multiple, identical versions of a "unique" wait-listed IT bag...why not show up in a truly original Chanel?